Nerd Wars: Rise of the hogrammers

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In case you’ve been hiding under a rock this year, there’s an emerging class warfare raging in the ghastly, pale underbelly of computer-nerd culture.  Even the most robotic or downright indifferent among us have become alarmed by the borderline sociopathic narcissism encouraged in our profession.

Am I an incredibly hot guru, a Kunoichi, or a rockstar?  But I’m all three!  What should I say on my resume/ LinkedIn/Twitter/G+/Facebook?  What will I tell the girls on our girls’ night out?  How do I know it’ll be the right fit when I choose a job that only has one of these titles to give me?

While it may be true that there have been historically few female programmers, and it is somewhat difficult to estimate whether these mythical female programmers have the smelly and barbaric reputation of their stereotypical male peers to begin with, but we will ignore all these facts.  Because there is a new identity blossoming among females in Computer Science.

This identity is the Hogrammer.

Much has been written already about the philosophy and promise of the Brogrammer (see above). But much, much less is written about the Hogrammer.  Luckily, this will be changed very soon.


Why, there is a revolution happening, and because those of you not on the front-lines may have trouble differentiating between your bitching female programmer and your bitchy female programmer, I’ve explained some of the differences below:

1. Hogrammer’s focus on the hippest possible web development technologies: Ruby on Rails, Scala, Node.js, SASS, HAML and CSS3 are all acceptable.

2. Exercise: Usually in the form of running or yoga. The latter is usually done between bouts of coding.

3. Caffeine: Lots of it, all day. This possibly a Starbucks or artisan latte, rather than a Mountain Dew.

4. “I don’t often test my code, but when I do it I prefer to do it in production:”  Ship code to the live site before going to Zumba class.

5. Lady Gaga: an absolute must. Nothing puts you in the dev zone quite like a little fabulous.

6. Continuous deployment: pushing code on every single commit without even losing a fake eyelash.

7. Moral fiber optional: ignoring the boys and coding in those $200 skinny jeans and low cut tee.

8. Standing desks and yoga poses

9. Shakes & Veggies: every good hogrammer starts of her day off well hydrated to keep the skin looking fresh and young.

10. Spa o’clock is any time after noon: It’s always time to look beautiful.  It’s time for a mani-pedi and facial.  However, if an all-nighter is pulled, schedule an appointment with the finest masseuse immediately.

There are a handful of other elements that make up a hogrammer (the most expensive yoga track suit from Lululemon by day, large purses filled with small puppies, and “Hogrammer” written on the back of the sweat pants).  If you follow the above 10 commandments, you’ll be hogramming in no time.

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